Grown up, Graduated, and Updated…?

So commencement was like a month ago.  I got a make up artist and my friend who’s a pro photographer to follow me around.  Got the most awesome pictures of me ever.  Other than that, a fairly boring ceremony, cliche speeches, but hey, it’s over and done with.  Kinda.

So I have to take summer classes to actually finish and get my degree.  Five weeks of a literature and culture class on India, then five weeks of an intro ethics class.  Don’t get me wrong, the India class is somewhat interesting, but at 8 in the morning, and 50% of class time being spent watching movies I can rent and watch some other time, it really pisses me off.  For awhile I just left when the movie started, but I guess the professor saw me (even though she leaves during the movies and doesn’t come back after for discussion or anything!) and told me that she saw me do it twice and that I can’t miss anymore class in the 5 week session.  Are you kidding me?  I’m there during every single discussion and I am one of the 5 people who actually ever say anything.  Also, EVERY single thing I have mentioned she continues to refer to, and even tells the class to “make a note of” for later.  Don’t fucking tell me I’m losing participation points bitch.  I’m fucking 25% of the participation in that class – and at least 50% comes from her too!

Also, I had to take out a loan just for this summer session since my school has zero financial aid during the summer.  All in all, I’m pretty much paying $200 to watch each of these movies that I can rent at the library (which is free compared to renting at a store) just because the professor is lazy (she’s not even there – and if she doesn’t have to be there, I don’t see why I have to be there).  Wtf.  I’m so not down with that.

Besides that, I’m also working as full time as possible.  30 hours/week right now, but after the classes, and then having to come home to a bunch of reading and writing papers….it’s already taking such a toll on me.  Let’s face it, I’m absolutely miserable.  Maybe when I’m finished with summer school I’ll be more okay with my job, but in the meantime I’m finding it so mundane, so boring, so effortless it hurts.

I absolutely have to go to graduate school.

So during class while I’m supposedly watching movies I’ve been researching creative writing programs.  Doing some creative writing student teaching last quarter made me feel much more confident in my ability to possibly one day be a professor.  I’ve been hesitant about becoming a teacher because I don’t think I could really deal with kids.  Grade school, middle school, high school – I’m not a fucking babysitter.  Never have been, don’t ever plan on being one.  If I have my own kids one day I’ll be raising them and loving them, not sitting them.  But yeah, I don’t take care of other people’s kids and I have no desire to either.  College students I could deal with.  College students you can straight up say “if you don’t want to be here, get the fuck out. There’s the door, and plenty of other students who want to be here who will gladly take your seat.”

I’ve also felt like I kind of suck at the basic stuff, so how the hell would I teach it to anyone else?  But then I’ve been realizing, if I really specialize in creative writing, that’s what I would get to teach.  Also, I think I could deal with a basic level class or two just because I’d be so excited about the specified creative writing courses I’d be teaching.  I wouldn’t have to be stuck in a cubicle, I wouldn’t have to stare at the same four walls for 8 hours a day/5 days a week, I would deal with new students each quarter, maybe even different classes each quarter, it would always be new and fresh, I would be able to get up and move around (in front of the classroom, walking from class to class to office), I could potentially have an office!, etc.

I literally feel like sitting in a cubicle all day is killing me.

Besides the stress, unhappiness, lack of challenge, lack of creative flow, it’s just plain not what my body wants to do.  I’ll probably end up with carpal tunnel syndrome from typing all day.  My neck, back, and shoulders hurt all day and every night – even though I have one of those fairly comfortable ergonomic chairs – I’m just too short to sit at that desk, I swear.  And my eyes have already lost some of their strength.  I used to have perfect vision – more than perfect I swear.  A few years ago I noticed that I couldn’t see as far away as I used to.  I went to the eye doctor and they said I had perfect vision.  I can only take this to assume that I used to have better than perfect.  Now, my vision has actually faded and I need glasses to see far away while I’m driving, better see movie screens, etc.  If I have to stay at a desk in a cubicle for the rest of my life I really think I would actually have to worry about both my mental and physical health.

So, again, I have to go to grad school.

Trouble with that is that I won’t be able to start applying until September.  That’s when I’ll be done with summer school and when some of the application processes begin for some schools.  I’ll apply by December-January, depending on each program’s deadline, find out in the spring (I assume), and won’t be able to start until Fall 2010 (the creative writing programs I’m looking into only have fall admittance).  So until then, I have to pay rent.  Awesome.

Now, I know that especially right now I should be grateful to have a job.  Don’t get me wrong, I am.  I get paid fairly decently too – especially considering that most people I know who are working right now (including fellow recent graduates) are in crummy retail/restaurant type jobs.  But still I’m so stifled.  I feel like I’m suffocating.  And – I don’t mean to be stuck up but – I know I’m way too good for this job.  But again, don’t get me wrong – I have an awesome boss. She is a total sweetheart, really appreciative of the work I do, loves having me around, totally depends on me specifically, and wants no one else but me to work for her.  Every time I’ve left that job (for school or because of budget cut backs) she fights so hard with administration to keep me on, or gets really sad that I’m leaving because she almost doesn’t know what she’ll do without me.  And I’m in no way saying she’s incompetent or anything like that – far from it – she just has a lot on her plate and it’s all so much easier to swallow when I’m there to help her.  But the thing is for me is just that the work itself isn’t that challenging.  She has recently given me more challenging stuff (I get to actually write the entire report rather than only editing and making the charts for it), but even still.  I just get bored and just plain want more out of life in general…  I’d love to be the kind of person who could be satisfied with the mundane, just because it’d be nice to work for her and help her out, but I just can’t.  I’m just not that person.  I’m not and never will be able to be mundane.  I try.  I’ve been trying.  And I’m tired.

And since it’s 2:30 in the morning and I have to be up at 7, I should probably try that sleep thing again…wish me luck. (With everything.)